The Red Pill vs Blue Pill Dilemma

I have been recently asked by a friend, "If you could choose to always dress as a woman and just live your life that way and not suffer any consequences or to remain a crossdresser which would you choose?"  Well, if this isn't a prime example of the Red/Blue pill choice faced by many a crossdresser, then I don't know what is.

My response to her was that it's not a simple answer and that I'd have to develop my response and post it to my blog because the answer to that question has been somewhat fluid over the years, and the reason for the varying levels of fluidity stems from my generational status as a member of Generation-X.  I grew up in the pre-Internet era when information did just that, it informed us of something that has happened or has been discovered and that was it.  We were still left to map out our own unique paths based on the thrill of discovery.  Today, information from the Internet and social media drives and shapes the lives, perceptions and attitudes of our younger generation from a very young age by way of influence that can only be likened to peer pressure on steroids.  Seemingly gone are the days where our lives are cultivated by our parents and family in the home.  The Internet is raising our young.

Because of this, I and many others in my generation, had very little in terms of concrete guidance or samples of comparison when it came to our gender identity.  As a child, I knew I had a compulsion to put on pantyhose belonging to my mother or other adults living in my home and I didn't know why or what compelled me to do so. All I knew was that it made me feel good.  I often wondered if I was gay, but I never had the compulsion to interact with another male that way.  I admired the girls and women around me and of course their sense of fashion.  The difference is that instead of driving me to desire them, it drove me to desire the outfits for myself.  So being gay was out of the equation.  So then what was it that I had?  What was I?  Was I mentally ill?  Books could only offer so much and were limited to cases of transsexualism, as it was called in the 80's.  So I began to wonder if that was me.  Was I born in the wrong body?  Did I yearn to be a woman instead of a male?  I remember fantasizing about waking up as a woman or what I'd do if I got locked in a department store overnight.  Oh the fun I'd have in the pantyhose and shoe department.  

  

As you can see, I spent years wondering if I would rather be a woman.  However, as the "age of information" bloomed and exploded around us, information was now at my fingertips where I could read and learn about others like me as well as those with different outlooks regarding their gender identity.  I understand that many are not into labels, but they definitely helped me to gain a better understanding of my place.  I learned that this is not a condition or an illness.  I learned that it is far from the binary classifications of the pre-Internet era.  I came to understand the subtle differences between my desires and those of other "gals" who also grew up with varying degrees of understanding of their gender identity.   

Honestly books can be written about individual journeys and each one would be different while still depicting many similarities in life experiences.  Mine is no different.  I won't lie to you when I say that I sometimes still wonder about what my life would be as a full-time woman since I gain such joy and satisfaction from the times when I get to let Veronica out in her full glory.  However, over time, I have also come to realize that I draw the level of euphoria because of the transformation I see in the mirror and in my pictures.  As a full-time woman, that would no longer be the case.  I love the feeling of putting on a sexy dress, pantyhose, a swimsuit, heels and showing off in front of the camera then posting pics for my followers to see and enjoy along with my own enjoyment.  I don't find the 2-hour experience of putting on makeup very appealing to cover up my masculine features.  I joke that I wish I had the superpower of shapeshifting so I could just snap my fingers and instantly be sexy Veronica without all the tedious preparations.  It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that I've discovered that it's the transformation that I love.  I have come to understand what my journey is.  So, to put this dilemma to rest, how about I choose the purple pill?  That would be the pill that instantly changes me into my vision of Veronica for 6 or 8 hours at a time.  Of course, I'd love to have an unlimited supply of the pills.  

Thank you for reading my next blog entry.  Luv you all.  Kisses.

xoxox

-Vero