I am NOT confused about my gender identity anymore!!!

What draws us to want to wear clothing of the opposite sex? Now there's the Million-Dollar question!

I could not fathom having sex with another male (Eww), nor could I imagine having a surgery to remove my manhood. I can't imagine not being a husband and lover to my wife and a daddy to my two little princesses.
Yet, after a near 30+ year struggle with my identity and emotions and coming to accept who and what I am, I cannot imagine my life without the possibility of occasionally becoming Toni, either fully or in part.
I owe an incredible thank you to my T-sisters for the knowledge and inspiration I have drawn from their experiences and stories.

Just a few short years ago, "Toni" did not even exist. All I ever did was hide and partially dress up with the constant fear of being caught. Toni now occupies the part of my life that used to be only a cloud of desires, emotions, confusion and fear. I'm purposely omitting thoughts about my inner struggles between my TG issues and my Catholic faith, because that is an entirely different and MUCH larger can of worms.

Thanks to my lovely and understanding wife, my newfound strength, motivation and inspiration have allowed that aforementioned maelstrom to manifest itself and blossom into Toni. 

Toni is the face of my lifelong struggles with gender identity. I have now accepted that Toni is as much a part of me as my own limbs.  Trying to purge Toni from my life may as well be as impossible as discarding my own arms and/or legs.  I have also come to realize that I am not alone. There are others with similar, if not
identical, situations and feelings as my own.

The URGE

This is a blog entry from my former MySpace blog from a while back, but every thought and feeling still holds true today.  I was going by the name Toni Richards then.  I hope you enjoy my thoughts...
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If you've read my profile, it's no secrete that I only get to unleash Toni in her full glorious state about 2 to 3 times per year.  The rest of the time, I only partially dress when I get that "URGE" to express my feminine side.  Partially can be any level of dressing short ot shaving my face and putting on makeup and a wig. 

Lots of reasons exist for getting "The Urge." For me it could be watching a TG themed TV show or movie, viewing great pictures of my TG sisters on the Internet, or seeing an incredibly attractive woman.  As a married male who is loyal to his wife, I am limited to visual admiration for the beauty of the feminine image presented to me. 

However, the "Urge" cannot be stopped when I see a coworker, whose friendship is like a pot of gold to me, do something unusual such as wear a lovely skirt and patent stiletto heels to work.  This is something I've not seen her do in nearly two years.  So, needless to say, I was drawn to admire her lovely tanned , bare legs and her gorgeous shoes.  Also irrisitable is admiring the way she walks and crosses her legs when she sits.  It's almost unbearable to see how a skirt rises when sitting down, revealing more leg.

To most non-TG men, this would be a normal response eliciting feelings of lust and desire for sex...and as a normal heterosexual male, the same types of thoughts rush through my mind as well, but more strongly are the thoughts of how I would look in a skirt and black stilettoes. 

So upon getting home, I rush into the shower and proceed to shave my legs.  The exhileration and feeling of freshly shaved and moisturized legs is indescribable.  Then I satisfy "the Urge" by dressing in a bodysuit, knee length mini-skirt and 5-inch black stilettoes with no hose or stockings.  I just had to feel the rush of air caressing my legs and rising up my skirt as I walked around my backyard patio.  Then I sit down to feel the rise of my skirt and further rise as I cross my legs, while admiring the view in the full-length mirror in front of me. 

Of course, I completely block out everything above my waist, as this is only a partial expression of Toni.  Then the worst part of my dressing experience occurs.  Orgasm quells "The Urge" and effectively ends this dress-up session.  In retrospect, I can conclude that it was worth every moment I waited.  This shows me that even after coming out to my wife, I can still enjoy partiall dress-up sessions, in private.

It is now 2am so...Nitey Nite to all.

Hugs,
Toni